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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

ALL THIS GOES UNDER HEADER!!!!

 

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

flash back

april 12th.. my birthday..
horrible day..
cried the whole day.. so stressed out..

the friday following
cried again
and cried myself to sleep everynight for the past forever
soo tired.. so stressed.. that sleep that i get 4rm crying?? NOT REALLY SLEEP! jus drifting off into somewhere.

everything is so blah.. i need to get it out

.. die jennie.. i wish i could drop dead sometimes

the blade was dull.. so it looks so puny.. my pain is WAY greater than that.

Gosh darn everything


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

if u cant see some of the crap down there.. high light it.. these are all my horrible moments... 4rm different times through out last year and the year b4 .. im hoping not to have any think year but i got one already..

i feel so bad..

someone plz help me


 

lets uncover the real shorty joe.. she's dead inside cant u not tell?

------------------------------------------------------

TRAPPED
I'm trapped in a box
with no where to go
this box is filled with limitations and expections.
expectaions that i can't reach
limitations that i must break inorder for me to be me.
they expect me to be who tehy want me to be
they dont understand that i am my own person
well i am my own person.
i have may own thoughts, i do not need theirs
i have my own feelings, i dont need them to tell me how to feel.
and incase you didn't notice.
i have my own life
i have my own decisions and i trust myself to make the right ones.
i have my choices from day to day, i choose what to do with those choices.
you try so hard to run my life when you know you can't.
you have trouble keeping up with what's in your life,
so why dont you just go worry about it? and quit worrying about mine.
because here im my box you're not needed.
i think i made that clear.
my box = my feelings, thoughts, limitaions, expectaions, decisions, choices, and MY life.

I want to be who i am, but limitaions from others stop me from being myself. it's kind of like, U dont know me so dont judge me. If you do know me-go find your own life to run, cause i GOT mine.

living makes many memorys
some good and some bad
bad ones haunt you
and good ones u never seem to remember.

------------------------------------------------------------

You dont know me

at all. yout dont know the first thing about me. you dont know where i am writing this from. your dont know what i look like. you have no power over me. what do you think i look like? skinny? freckles? wire-rimmed glasses over brown eyes? no, i dont think so. better look again. deeper. its like a kaleidoscope, isnt it? one minute im short, the next minute tall, one minute im geeky, one minute beautiful, my shape constantly changes, and the only thing that stays constant is my brown eyes. watching you. that's right, im watching you right now....

------------------------------------------------------------

7th grade breakfast line

me and my firend(She's viet)

girls behind me.. afican american and white..

my firends in front of me.. girls behind me say to her" ur pretty.. so cute"*i dont turn around and jus smile at my firend* girls behind me tap on my shoulder.. *i dont want to turn around cause i know thier reaction* tapping on my shoulder again.. i turn.. *girls draws hand bak quickly *  says " ew. " you're ugly."..

"all viet girls are hot and chinese girls suck"-does this convince u now?

from people i dont even know 4rm ppl i dont even wanna know..im an ugly fuck and i cant do anything about it..

i dont fucking care about anything any more..

dont tell me im beautiful .. cause i know its all a big fat fucking

LIE!

----------------------------------------------------------

i got a paper cut and i thought of u.. how u made my paper heart bleed for u..

 

im sooo sick of this crap ppl give me
i hate u i hate u blah blah ur so mean when ur the one telling me u hate me for no apparent reason
i know many ppl do hate me but u dont have to f-ing rub it in

no more f-ing lies

good bye world.. im out~shorty

--------------------------------------------------------

I hate myself. I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate ME.

I'm ugly. I wish i was pretty. I'm fat. i wish i was skinny. I know ill starvev myself. yes. starve myself

and die

--------------------------------------------------------

my dad jus HAVE to make something so simple become so complicated.. i HATE him for that..

 

oki my dad was lk .."where did u buy these apples" to my mom and my mom was lk "i dont remeber" then my dad starts yelling.. "HOW CAN U NOT REMEMBER WHERE U BUY STUFF, U BOUGHT IT JUS THIS WEEK .." and my mom was lk " I DIDNT BUY IT LAST WEEK.. I BOUGHT IT 2 WEEKS AGO!!!!" and my dad is lk " WELL I HAVENT HAD APPLES IN 2 WEEKS HOW COM DIDNT SEE THEM??" and my mom is lk  "THE WEEK B4 LAST WEEK WE HAD GUEST AND THEY BROUGHT FUIRT AND U BEEN EATING THAT" and he was lk "WELL Y DIDNT U REMEMBER WHERE U BOUGHT THE APPLES??" and my mom was lk "I BUY THE APPLES WHERE IT IS CHEAP" and my dad was lk "THEN WERE WAS IT CHEAP??" and my mom was lk "I DONT REMEMBER CASUE THE PRICES CHANGE SOMETIMES IT IS WALMART SOME TIMES IT'S TARGET THEN NEXT TIME IT MIGHT BE HY-VEE!!!" and my dad is lk " THEN WHERE DID U BUY THEM???" and my mom is lk "I DONT REMEMBER!!!" and my dad is lk " HOW CAN U NOT REMEMBER " then my mom is lk "I JUST DONT REMEMBER , AND 4RM NOW ON I WONT SO DONT ASK ME!!!"  and then my dad looked at me.. and i was lk thinkin*DONT U GO MAD ON ME I DIDNT  DO ANYTHING U JUS HAVE TO MAKE SOMETHING SO SIMPLE BECOME SO COMPLICATED.. YOU COULD HAVE JUS BEEN LK ..okay.. AND THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!* and now im all pissed cause he is a chirstian and that's how he acts all the time..

 

I JUS HATE HIM FOR THAT I REALLY WANT TO KILL HIM BECASUE HE IS LK THAT!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------

i guess im not dead.. so yah.. JOY TO VI! so yah.. butoh well its gonna be 2nite after i finish my hw

im no scardy cat! i will kill myself.. i bleeded alot last night though.. dont have no more enrgy to type.. so i'll talk to yall later if im not dead yet.. oh yah.. and right now im at a toyota dealer ship.. dad jus boutght a 2005 camry XLE V6 so yah.. that's abotu it.. I WANNA DRIVE IT!!.. lol   he prolly wont let me cause he said to me earlyer.." I DONT LIKE U , GET OUR OF MY FACE NOW!" asn im lk " i dont like u either! u get out of my face " and i left.. so yah..taht about iot.. my rents ahte me and lots of other ppl do too.. i dont even have to ttell u that.. cause u might be the one that haptes me so whatever..

-attacked and scarred

-------------------------------

every single one of my best friends are disappearing into the darkness- leaving me in pain- it happened before and its happening again!  is it cuz i don't send out those stupid chain letters on my email that come as bulk?  or is it cuz ppl always act lk i don't exist in this world.  i have never ask for blood to run through me or everytime feel pain when i lose something or SOMEONE.  i never asked to be on this earth planet or watever.  why couldn't i come in as a mear shadow-lk everone is treating me- i noe nothing revolves around me-and i don't want it to-everything i every loved is disapearing into darkness where i have been so many times and i don't want to go anymore.  the only one who can or could have pulled me out of the dark is acting lk i don't exist.  it is slowly eating me away from the inside it-the way my friends fight with each other eats me more.  all i ask for is to be in the light to be at least noticed to have my friends again!  is that something too hard to get?  IS IT?  no one has an answer for me.

-----------------------------------

okay so yester day was jus fine until 6th hour... so we were reading this long short story.. "most dangerous game" or w/e and then it's lk there's this general that puts ppl on his island and hunts them lk animals.. wow.. how FUN! not.. and so the book was lk quote 4rm the general " i hunt chinese whites blah blah.. blah" and so yah... i was lk IM OFFENDED! and iw as jocking around cause it said the generals hunt whites too.. so i was jus kidding.. and then this gurl 4rm the the other side of the room was lk " SO WHAT?? they hunt whites too" and i was lk DUHH i jus read that part.. dang.. .. then later in the story after we stooped cause the class was about to end, this RACEIST dude was lk.. "is this general asian?? chinese or something??" and i got freaking mad..its like he's jus so mad at oriental asian ppl for no reason..... so then later when we was about to read on  and everyone was quiet i was lk.. "ASSHOLE!!!" really loud and everyone was lk " did u hear that??" (to the teacher)  and she truned around smiled and was lk " no" and everyone knows that she did hear it....and i was still pissed so i jus wanted to plunge a knife into his heart. then later in the hall i was about to push him down and step on him to get pass him but then this other dude pushed him down .. so i was lk .. w/e.. so i jus went to spanish.. so spanish was horrible too cause of that rasict asshole.. oh well

TODAY::

okay it wasa going jus fine but then in 5th hour it sucked cause we had a lab and so we have to work together to make the food or w/e .. GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? I ended up doing EVERYTHING!!!!!! they jus stood there and talked.. i was lk wtf?!?! i asked them to help.. but they jus kept making fun of the food(and it was what it was suppose to look like) and i was lk  *thinking-THEN DONT FREAKING EAT IT.. CAUSE U SHOULDNT BECAUSE I MADE IT.. * i was mad.. but oh well. too bad.. there is jus that type of lazy ppl in the world.. so i was lk aight.. imma do everything and then next time u can do every thing and i will sit and laugh while u guys mess up!  so when i washed the dishes.. its lk imma wash myself and imma dry myself.. but then they come over and was lk " trying to dry  "the dishes but they were playing around too much and i was lk *thinking-(i knoe bottleiing up feelings are unhealthy but they be lk 'oh,, ur mean' and shit lk that but i dont give a damn. okay i was thinking " IF U WANT TO HELP THEN DO IT RIGHT AND QUIT MESSING AROUND STUPID SLUTS!!" omgosh i was mad.. after they jus dired everything they jus left all the dirty towels at the counter and i had to go put them away... then this other girl jus finished drinking 4rm HER cup and left it on the counter and expected me to wash it.. i was about to yell at her and say U WASH UR OWN CUP BI*CH!! i was so mad.. its not that hard and they making it hard.. its so stupid. omgosh.. so i had a bad day since.. in 6th hour where the racist kid is .. he gave me a glare and i gave him a hardcore glare back and mouthed "U   A S S H O L E!" i was so mad.. then in spanish i tried to calm down but seriously i jus wanted to run out of that class room go find that racist kid and stab him while im laughing.. i hate himmm i hate him soo much u cant even describe my hatred omgosh! and yesterday wasnt the frist time he was being racist. so yah that pisses me off more..

IM STILL PISSED AND TRYING TO GET ALL THIS SHIT OUT OF ME B4 MY IMMUNE SYSTEM CRASHES!

IF U HATE RACIST PPL LEAVE COMMENTS

----------------------------------------

u noe what? FUCK ALL THIS!

my dad jus told me last night i cant do nething right when i have straight a's

when i do have straight a's he dosent  encourage me to do better.. he jus goes.. "okay..uhh..yah" and no " WAY TO GO! KEEP IT UP" or stuff
but when i get lk a 85 ( a high B by the way) he's all lk "OH U DID HORRIBLE! U CANT DO NETHING RIGHT!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" fuck that ..

its not fair to me but he jus dont get it .. my eyes  are still puffy 4rm crying all night last night yall couldnt see it cause of my glasses but when i take it off it's all lk WHOA DID SOMEONE PUNCH U IN THE FACE?? well no.. more lk called me stupid and i cant do nething right.

HOW BOUT I JUS DO NOTHING 4RM NOW SO I WONT GET NETHING WRONG? HUH>?!?!?! how's that..
is that nebetter?

FUCK ALLTHIS!

-------------------------------

okay mah da is mad at me cause i cant stay in the house lk other gurls can.. wuts other gurls got to do with me?? im me and im different geesh!! i love to be outside with mah mest friend and his friends.. wut the problem with that? he's always talking bout where are the other gurls..y dont u play with them???? y u keep on playing with the bois? i hate it when he does that .. i feel so overprotected! i hate that feeling. its lk i have no freedom at all NONE. u noe wut the gurls do?? they got other friends they dont hangout with me they hat me for no reason.. they can go to movies and the mall together and i cant go with them im 13 and they r 11... im older i can take care of mahself!! they r treating me lk a little child lk i cant walk still...when it comes to school i do great and they dont care.. but when it comes to play and friends they jus ask ask ask... y cant tehy trust me and let me do wut i think is rite .. they think hanging out with bois is wrong mah mom comes to the us stop every morning to see wut im doing .. wut can i do at the bus stop??... nothing there.... jus other ppl. the other gurls r not lk me they stay home cause they go t siblings and me??.. im all alone in mah apt with no one to talk to and no one to have fun with .... that is y i always go outside to see if there is anyone out there to hangout with !! all mah freedom is on the internet.. i can talk to amyone on hea but then he comes in amd be lk WHO U TALKING TO?? im lk y do u care.. i want to be little more independent!!!! but it will never happen as long as mah dad is living... i can go anywhere i want at the age 8... now i'm 13 and i cant go anywhere.. does that seem rite??.. dont tell me to try and talk to mah parents... they will not listen to u ...

im sry i so pissed...i love mah new and old best friends and im gonna hang out with them if i want to he is not gonna stop me!! one more thing im always outside cause i wanna get away 4rm him cause he is always mad ... i jus wanna be away 4rm them... y can they jus let me do wut i think is rite... do they think i noe wut is wrong and wut is rite i hate it.. im not a child anymore..I AM A TEENAGER this is the way i am suppose to act!!! y cant they jus let me be me??? im not doing the wrong things.. im not doing drugs or gettign "f"'s in class ... GOSH THEY JUST..OOOH.. hate them.. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT!!! I NEED TO BE INDEPENDENT!! 6th graders r independent y cant i be i dont get it....

---------------------------------------------

i jus layed myslef out there.. step all over me if u want

welcome to my life.

 


Saturday, January 01, 2005

happy new years



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talk to the dead...


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